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Search Results 0 to 26 of about 27 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Oct 2, 2012 11:30pm PDT
movement since casual good friday. this sunday, october 7 pastors around the united states will violate the law by directly endorsing one of the candidates. it doesn't matter which, either romney or not-obama. (laughter) and to try to force this issue into court the sermons will be recorded and sent to the i.r.s. folks, i like this new rebel attitude from the pulpit. maybe someday we'll turn on fox news and see a high-speed popemobile chase. (laughter) pastor jim garlow, one of the leaders behind freedom sunday says it's all about principle. >> we believe there should be no governmental intrusion in the pulpit at all. a pastor should be-- if he wants to endorse or a oppose a candidate. and that should be the right of the pastor based upon the first amendment. freedom of speech and freedom of religion. no governmental intrusion into the pulpit. >> i don't need the government protecting me from speech, i am a mature free-thinking american capable of making my own rational decisions about which candidate my priest said got wants know pick. (laughter) and, folks, it should not stop there, i
Comedy Central
Oct 3, 2012 7:00pm PDT
of the united states. >> stephen: so you get a free ride to the border. (laughter) >> what i would say is immigrants contribute much more to this country than what people might think. undocumented immigrants pay taxes and do the jobs-- >> they are criminals, they're illegals. they broke the law. you know the law? they broke the law. if you break the law you're a criminal, jorge. >> at the same time there are millions of americans who benefit from their work and thousands of american companies who hire them. and we don't call them illegal so we have to talk about co-responsibility. they are here because we benefit from the work. (applause) >> stephen: i don't have a comeback for that so they'll edit it out of the interview. (laughter) >> what happens is they harvest the food that we have for breakfast and for lunch. they're building the homes where we live. they're taking care of our kids. so i think we have to give them a solution. self-deportation is not a solution. >> stephen: what is the solution? wave a magic wand and everybody gets to stay? >> we have to give them comprehensive im
Comedy Central
Oct 15, 2012 11:30pm PDT
for the united states of america. because i see-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yeah! because i don't know about you, i seem to remember someone putting an end to a couple of dustups that europe started. what were they called again? oh yeah, world war i and world war ii. no biggie! we had plenty of free time digging ourselves out of the great depression. oh, and who spent billions on military base all over europe to keep the communists from boot stomping your wafel fans and vespa dealerships? oh yeah, oh yeah, we did! that's when you stepped up and called on us again. oh, you know what, you should have called norway. you seem to be on great terms with those guys. well, you know what? maybe the united states will just take the next global conflict off. keep us and our massive peacekeeping military at home. maybe give ourselves a people's choice award. (laughter) after all, we haven't had a war since 1945, that we've declared. (laughter) next up on the-- folk, while i'm no fan of vegetation i believe our schools can teach our children one thing. it can teach them their place in social peckin
Comedy Central
Oct 9, 2012 11:30pm PDT
's strongest language was saved for iran. >> i'll put the leaders of iran on notice that the united states and our friends and allies will prevent them from acquiring nuclear weapons capability. >> stephen: mitt will put the leaders of iran on notice! one of the strongest things a president can do next to doing something! (laughter) and, folks, after he is grated, mitt will have full access to the president presidential on-notice board. it's one of the things they teach you the first day in office-- along with the launch codes and how to jiggle the hand until the lincoln bedroom toilet so it flushes. (laughter) i'm afraid we might not have that kind of time. romney will not be president until january. and by some accounts iran is only 60 days from being 30 days away from being 10 days away from having a nuclear weapon and has been for years. (laughter) so as usual saving the world falls to me. boys, bring out the on-notice board. let's do it. (cheers and applause) okay. (applause) let's see here, let's see here. okay. we've got ira glass, islets of langerhans, illen comma. here it is, iran
Comedy Central
Oct 11, 2012 11:30pm PDT
traveled with. >> about a barack h. obama. >> stephen: the president of united states. >> several time is i went to mars with him and was present on the surface with him and others. >> stephen: meaning obama has a secret martian past. a secret past protected by a conspiracy of silence that goes all the way to the e.p.a. and desk of carol browner, former head of e.p.a., obama's friend and climate czar. >> i ran the e.p.a. for 8 years. i worked with the best scientists in the world. teleportation is not clear -- real. >> stephen: really. we found an expert who backs up his claim. >> are you roll something in please roll. >> stephen: captain please explain. >> you have an electrical today in you'll that is emanating energy. you put a mole kuhl here. -- molecule here. you have a nodule of the opposite positive negative. that mol coal goes -- molecule goes -- like you know how you send, you press send and you are -- [ laughter ] the molecule appears on the other nodule. >> stephen: we know teleportation is real. as for andrew's claim that obama participated in the mars program. that has been con
Comedy Central
Oct 16, 2012 11:30pm PDT
. this is paul. some day he wants it be vice president of the united states. but he needs your help. for just a few minutes a day you can provide paul with the photo ops he desperately needs to look like he cares. anything you give will help. a handful of orphans to stand near. a disabled vet to wave at. even a homeless man to pet. won't you call now and help this young man live up to his dreams of cutting all your government funding. [ laughter ] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the mayor of newark, new jersey. i made him take a connecting flight through chicago. please welcome cory booker. [cheers and applause] boom! mayor booker good to see you again. >> good to see you. >> stephen: good to see you again. >> great to be here. >> stephen: a ward you my coveted alpha dog of the week. >> yes. >> stephen: for running into a burning building. >> yes you also put me on your list of threats to america because i wanted to eat america because of its racial deliciousness. >> stephen: that was a while ago. that w
Comedy Central
Oct 18, 2012 11:30pm PDT
mitchell's corn palace, this is america's corn palace. >> it's hard to envision the united states without a corn palace. but if it were to go away i think we would lose one of america's great icons, landmarks. and every time you lose one of those american traditions, it just hurts more and more. >> the biggest thing that i hear from people when i talk to them is they'll go i never knew anything like this existed. you know, it's awesome. >> or in other words, irresistable. get it? >> yeah. >> it's like your pun. >> a-maize. >> but as in ear of corn. >> we've heard that before. >> you have. >> a lot of times. (cheers and applause) you know, if you are's just going throw away the old corn when they take it down at the end of the season, i know some diabetic cows that could really use the l#gqp ?í >> welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. my guest tonights are a rock band from las vegas. and in their honor we've removed all the windows and pumped this place full of oxygen. please welcome the kellers. -- killers. paopao. hey, nice to see you. nice to see you. all right, guys, thanks so m
Search Results 0 to 26 of about 27 (some duplicates have been removed)